The Art of Douche-bag-ism; Do’s and Do NOT’s.

Thanks, Google.

Let me explain. You know that guy that shows up at the club with 2 of his dumbest friends, already wasted because of their need to pre-game (because they’d never know what to say to women whilst sober), and proceeds to get in line behind you, then grabs the zipper on the back of your shirt, pretending he is going to unzip it? That’s a douche-bag. And once you notice and turn around armed with the deadliest look you can muster, he blames it on the douche in the plaid button-up and the three of them laugh like ten year olds at recess, after they stole the chubby kid’s peanut-butter and jelly.

Is it obvious I’ve experienced this exact scenario?

This post is inspired not only by my own experiences, but by those of my closest friends; run-ins with strangers, men we may know just a little bit, or even exes.

BUT – I will not waste any time explaining how to spot said douche-bag; by this point, we already know the guy throwing back Jager Bombs and popping his collar while yelling at the waitress for the lack of vodka in his Grey Goose and cranberry isn’t The One. So this is a small list of guidelines for those members of the opposite sex who think taking your shirt off in public is sexy.

You think you know what (the majority of) women want…but you have no idea.

DO: If you spot a girl at the bar and want to buy her a drink, buy her girlfriend another drink as well.

DO NOT: Show up with 3 shots: one for the girl you’re approaching, one for yourself and one for your friend. Now her friend is standing awkwardly in the background because you’re inconsiderate and cheap.

DO: If you think she’s pretty, politely tell her.

DO NOT: Slap her ass as she’s walking by, then give her a wink when she turns around ready to punch her harasser.

DO: Tell her you enjoy working out.

DO NOT: Ask her to grab your bicep, then ask her friends to do the same.

DO: Ask for her number, then call her the next day.

DO NOT: Ask for her number, then text her at 4AM asking to come over.

DO: Ask her for her number (again).

DO NOT: Yell across a parking lot, “YO, YOU GOT A NUMBER?” (Another embarrassing experience.)

DO: Ask her out to dinner.

DO NOT: Expect her to pay her half when the bill arrives. (Yep, been through that one too.)

DO: If you run into an ex, give a quick smile and a hello, then go about your business.

DO NOT: Run into a girl you once dated, then offer your condolences over the possibility of having ruined her night. Instead, go home and deflate your head a bit.

DO: Ask if she has a boyfriend, if you’d like to politely make sure before continuing to flirt.

DO NOT: Ask if she has a boyfriend, and when she says yes tell her she could do better then point at yourself.

DO: Hug her goodbye – or even give a kiss on the cheek – after the first meeting.

DO NOT: Try to eat her face after knowing her for five minutes. (This is assuming that the girl in this situation does not want to have her face eaten.)

DO: Send her a morning text; something sweet!

DO NOT: Send her a mirror picture at 7am of you in your boxers with the caption: “like what you see? send me something back”.

And don't EVER make this face.

Are there plenty of wonderful, intelligent, respectful men out there? Absolutely. I’m lucky enough to have one of them. Just as there are many undesirables representing my own gender.


So for those members of both sexes that make human beings look bad: get with the program. And lay off the vodka.


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23 responses to “The Art of Douche-bag-ism; Do’s and Do NOT’s.

  1. michele

    So classy when they apologize for the slight possibly they might have ruined ur night than five mins later say they were too drunk to remember …huh? Oh thank u assholes for giving us something to laugh at the next day!!

  2. Cara

    DO:tell her you enjoyed her band
    DO NOT: ask if she is a lesbian and when she says no tell her she should grow her hair out because THEN you want to “DO her”

    …Ive been laughing about this post for days

    • Hahahahaha. Glad you enjoyed it. It figures this post has gotten the most attention. I totally forgot to mention this one (happened at the Pennant about 2 years ago…figures):

      DO: Tell her you find her attractive.
      DO NOT: Tell her she’s attractive, BUT WOULD BE EVEN HOTTER if she worked out.


  3. you mean you don’t think those three (fill in whatever) in the pic are attractive? sheeesh…very funny, and I’m sure to some guys, informative piece. Oh, and do not ask her if she’s pregnant. continue…

  4. P.S. and thank you kindly for the subscription. I shall do my best to entertain. continue…

  5. wordsfallfrommyeyes

    This is great! I must admit I’ve never had a guy hold my zip & pretend he was going to unzip. That would actually piss me off heaps. Really entertaining – and valuable! 🙂

  6. Pingback: Blogroll Inductee – Words&OtherThings | A Clown On Fire

  7. Ugh, douchecanoes like this ruin it for all the nice guys out there…

  8. It’s nice to see douches don’t change (except for the perchance to overtan) from those in my generation. Something about the continuity of life that makes one feel safe. Creeped out and safe.

  9. OMG! Been in exact situations with guys…ugh! Thanks for the tip list! funny as hell and sad as hell too! 🙂

  10. Excellent, Nicole. I like your “Do’s.” They’re right on!

  11. And can we talk about those guys’ eyebrows too in the last photo…? Precisely waxed!

  12. Dave

    Lmfao! This guy in the pic Jordan with the race car tracks for a beard is dating my ex chic Vanessa i was with for 3 yrs. Oh man, when i thought ive seen them all…. The guy takes the Douche title! Karmas a bitch aint it. Wish them the best! 🙂

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