Have a holly, jolly Christmas

Pretty, isn't she?

Look! There’s three presents under there! (I won’t bother posting a “before” picture. And by “before” I mean what the cute little tree looked like when I was finished decorating it. Of course Christmas Master Joseph took over and did a bit of tweaking. The lights now blink and she doesn’t look so sad.) I woke up this morning and dove under the bed to unearth the gifts I’ve bought for Joe, so far.

Those three little things are all I’ve bought so far. For anyone. And as far as I know, he has yet to buy anything, either.

I know a few people who begin shopping in October, and once Thanksgiving has come and gone, they have their feet up on a Saturday afternoon instead of throwing ‘bows in Sears to get to the last set of novelty boxers. Ugh.

But me? I like to torture myself by figuring things out last minute, scrambling and stressing over what to get, second-guessing my purchases, draining my bank account all at once, beating up an old lady for the last roll of wrapping paper. Happy Holidays, everyone!

But it’s all worth it in the end, isn’t it? When you wake up Christmas morning and leap down the stairs (at least I do), excited to give (and receive…duh!). Joe enjoys torturing me Christmas morning, just as my parents always did. He has to stretch and yawn and slowly throw both legs over the side of the bed. Then he has to use the bathroom, put on a pot of coffee, creep on Facebook and thank each and every person who wished him a Merry Christmas, tune into the Yule Log (one of my favorite parts of this day), complete with cheery Holiday music.

And then! Then, if I’m lucky, we can begin opening presents.

When it comes to this holiday of holidays, I haven’t changed much in the last 23 years.

I’ve been immersing myself into the spirit of the season, trying to reel myself completely in from this depression. A comforting email from Joe’s mother (a huge thank you to Phylis), as well as the continued support of others have helped. A lot. The moments of complete clarity – where I can be my former self, where I can see and feel everything as it truly still is – are getting longer.

A girlfriend of mine told me, “You’re just in a dark place right now. But your mind and your heart are stronger than that. You will come back from it.”

Well, at the moment, the dark place isn’t so dark. I can almost see in front of me. That may be the help of the Christmas lights; there’s definitely some light flooding in.



Filed under Uncategorized, Writing

10 responses to “Have a holly, jolly Christmas

  1. Nicole, it doesn’t really get better in the gift department – but you’ll be in better spirits soon. I promise! Hang in there.

    • Thanks, Edward. Is it strange that I completely trust the man that posts a frightening photo of a Unicorn peeing out a rainbow? Yes, I was traumatized by that as well.

      😉 Thank you again.

  2. yay…we like light – light is good. in fact you should get lit in celebration of how fortunate you are in ALL aspects girl. continue…

  3. Well, I’m with Joe. You have to start with coffee! And my wife always liked to make cinnamon rolls. And then we got a bit more healthy so we had to have a fruit salad with the rolls. Etc. I’ve come to enjoy the stretching out of the morning, but if you really don’t, try a little reverse psychology. Force yourself to be the yawning, ho-hum, what day is it one. Maybe even pretend to go back to sleep. I wonder what will happen? Whatever it is will most likely be worth a blog post.

    • I made the mistake of reading this comment to him (because I enjoyed it so much).

      His eyes lit up at the sound of making cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning…and now the reverse psychology certainly won’t work. hahaha! Either way, I’m sure the holiday will definitely be worthy of a blog post.

      Thanks for your comments. 🙂

  4. Glad the dark place is brightening. And I bet the tree lights are secretly basking in and reflecting your own light.

    Oh, and Amazon, express 2 day shipping. Totally worth it for us procrastinators.

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