Look! There’s three presents under there! (I won’t bother posting a “before” picture. And by “before” I mean what the cute little tree looked like when I was finished decorating it. Of course Christmas Master Joseph took over and did a bit of tweaking. The lights now blink and she doesn’t look so sad.) I woke up this morning and dove under the bed to unearth the gifts I’ve bought for Joe, so far.
Those three little things are all I’ve bought so far. For anyone. And as far as I know, he has yet to buy anything, either.
I know a few people who begin shopping in October, and once Thanksgiving has come and gone, they have their feet up on a Saturday afternoon instead of throwing ‘bows in Sears to get to the last set of novelty boxers. Ugh.
But me? I like to torture myself by figuring things out last minute, scrambling and stressing over what to get, second-guessing my purchases, draining my bank account all at once, beating up an old lady for the last roll of wrapping paper. Happy Holidays, everyone!
But it’s all worth it in the end, isn’t it? When you wake up Christmas morning and leap down the stairs (at least I do), excited to give (and receive…duh!). Joe enjoys torturing me Christmas morning, just as my parents always did. He has to stretch and yawn and slowly throw both legs over the side of the bed. Then he has to use the bathroom, put on a pot of coffee, creep on Facebook and thank each and every person who wished him a Merry Christmas, tune into the Yule Log (one of my favorite parts of this day), complete with cheery Holiday music.
And then! Then, if I’m lucky, we can begin opening presents.
When it comes to this holiday of holidays, I haven’t changed much in the last 23 years.
I’ve been immersing myself into the spirit of the season, trying to reel myself completely in from this depression. A comforting email from Joe’s mother (a huge thank you to Phylis), as well as the continued support of others have helped. A lot. The moments of complete clarity – where I can be my former self, where I can see and feel everything as it truly still is – are getting longer.
A girlfriend of mine told me, “You’re just in a dark place right now. But your mind and your heart are stronger than that. You will come back from it.”
Well, at the moment, the dark place isn’t so dark. I can almost see in front of me. That may be the help of the Christmas lights; there’s definitely some light flooding in.