Away From the Chaos


It’s funny, this thing called life; hilarious actually, the way we rush in, sometimes unexpectedly, flesh and blood hitting the air in a sterile room or some cracked leather backseat. We live, we grow like weeds, we take breaths and comb our hair. We work and play and we listen to the tales of our elders, we learn of the darkness, we learn to fear it while we dig our claws deep into the light. We fear what we can’t see, that open-ended intersection between now and then. Now is all warmth and baked bread and laughter in the hallway; then is quiet and eternal reflection. Is it a better place, this then? Is there soft Jazz and the sounds of a summer’s night? When I go will my family find me? “Rage,” he said. And so we rage.

It can’t be so bad, this aftermath. When your insides grow dark and your spirit is tripping on the sidewalk cracks you welcome a vacation from the sirens and the reruns. No  crackling television, no crowded subway, no hunger. Just comfort, just music, just love. We hope.

When death comes to visit it lays a hand on the shoulders of those closest to the lost one, sometimes with a message attached; “You too,” it whispers, and “soon”. It smells human surrender from the moment the heart breaks.

Just last year my Uncle Steve lost his daughter. Rachel. This past Saturday my Uncle/Godfather lost his battle with cancer. I remember a man full of life, brimming with heart and soul. My Uncle, my Godfather, our love; he is in a place away from the chaos.




Filed under Uncategorized, Writing

27 responses to “Away From the Chaos

  1. I miss you, Nicole! I’m sorry to hear about your Uncle. Cancer is horrible. I lost an aunt to cancer and it was hard to watch it slowly devour her body and, eventually, her mind. My condolences and thoughts are with you.

  2. I’m sorry, Nicole, and my thoughts go out to you.

  3. Le Clown

    Again, my most sincere sympathies. Much love to you and yours.
    Le Clown

  4. Nicole, I’m so sorry about your uncle. My uncle happens to have cancer right now and has it pretty bad. I think you have a comforting way of dealing with this. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

  5. Nicole,
    I am so sorry to hear about both of your losses. Thinking of you and your family.

  6. My condolences to you, Nicole Marie, on the loss of your uncle. I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Uncles are an important part of our lives. May you be comforted with your memories.

  7. Please accept my virtual hug, Nicole. Sorry this happened.

  8. I’m so sorry this happened, Nicole. My thoughts are with you.

  9. Sorry for your two losses. Cancer is so little and so sneaky to begin with, yet ultimately so powerful if not caught soon enough. I lost my only sis to it 5+ years ago, and still can’t believe it.
    Lost in the condolences from all here is the inescapable fact that this was superbly written, Nicole. Almost poetic, I guess one would say, which is what the best prose often is. I’d quote my favorite parts but the whole thing is quotable. Very well done in your time of sadness.

  10. Beautiful, just like you!

  11. runningonsober

    I like to think there will be jazz in our next realm. And chocolate. Like chocolate fountains on every corner, calorie-free!, with the soft crooning of Nina Simone. A gentle warm breeze, a perpetual auburn sunset, a comforting hug from a mom, from an uncle. A knowing that we were loved–we mattered. Eternal peace. And chocolate, don’t forget the chocolate.

    From Mary Oliver's "When Death Comes":
    "When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
    I was a bride married to amazement.
    I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

    When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
    if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
    I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
    or full of argument.

    I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world."

    • All of this brought tears to my eyes. GOOD tears. Thank you so, so much. You are really one of my closest wordpress (and beyond) friends. Always encouraging me and making me smile. Thank you. ❤

  12. All the best to you, Nicole.
    At least your uncle is at peace.

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