Facing Your Inner Demon

This is terrifyingly awesome.

This is terrifyingly awesome.

 

We all have them, don’t we? Mine is a real bitch sometimes. I imagine she wears fuzzy house slippers, filthy from never taking them off. Maybe an old bath robe too. Curlers in her hair, smeared red lipstick, smoker’s cough, talks like she’s been chewing on rocks…OK so my inner demon is my old next-door-neighbor’s grandmother? Ugh.

I am an extremely sensitive person. I mean just the thought of something emotional is enough to send a tsunami of tears from my eyeballs. When Joe and I were still planning the wedding, the time I spent driving to and from places was used to go over my vows in my noggin and I can’t count how many times I almost broke down behind the wheel. Sometimes I cry watching lame TLC shows. Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror and cry because I’m just so damn beautiful.

Okay, not really.

ANYWAY – my inner demon enjoys latching on to any new information that enters my ears and twisting it up like silly putty before flinging it into my brain, where whatever was said is now convincing me I’m a horrible person. Without getting into specifics, I’ve managed to convince myself of being quite a few things I’ve been told I’m not. Some really ugly, horrible things. The funny thing? A new tube of lipstick or a new outfit temporarily fixes this – I’ll find myself looking at my reflection, head cocked to one side, a smile on my lips. In those moments I feel powerful and attractive, intelligent, ready to recite poetry or attend a book reading. Put me in sweat pants and smeared eyeliner and suddenly I’m a different person. Let someone question the way my hair lays that day? Forget it. I try to melt into the nearest wall and disappear for good.

Does anyone ever feel like this? That inner voice, like a parasite feeding off any bit of darkness it can find. It tries to keep the light out. It tries as hard as it can. “Happiness doesn’t live here,” it says.

I try every day to battle it, to bring it down once and for all, but the damn thing never dies. It’s invincible, I think. But the best we can do is hold them at bay – do something meaningful every single day, spend time with those who want to spend their time lifting you up. Being born with a demon in your head doesn’t make you hopeless. Perhaps it’s even a blessing in disguise, focusing every day on being the best version of yourself possible.

So I guess I’ll consider myself unique. Beautifully unique. And every day I’ll get to mentally punch my neighbor’s grandmother in the face. She was a real bitch anyway.

xoxo

 

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18 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized, Writing

18 responses to “Facing Your Inner Demon

  1. Not sure how bad your demon is.
    As for mine, after all these years, we’ve come to an agreement. He can say whatever the hell he likes, and I can ignore him like the annoying guy at the corner of the bar.
    Hey, it works for us.

    Hope you find something that works for you.
    And beautifully unique (in the best possible ways) is an understatement.,

  2. Inner demons blow. Punch that bitch in the face every day with a grin on your face.

  3. My inner demon sucks all the yucky things you can think of!! He likes to tell me how crap I am at everything. Crap at writing, crap at being a girlfriend, crap Mother, crap at breathing – you know the usual stuff. I’ve been doing this thanking thing lately, and liking it a lot. Saying thanks to whoever is listening for what is good…. thank you for my writing, thank you for my passion, thank you for my daughters AND thank you that I am no longer married!! And thank you Nicole Marie for another beautiful blog post. Forty.

  4. I’m really blessed that my inner demon still smokes – I can outrun his ass and get some relief from his constant yapping! But eventually you have to stop running, so learning some selective memory techniques can help: remember your successes, learn from mistakes, forget the fears you ni longer need.

  5. How to stop a demon raging in your head… I believe it makes a difference if people are nice to you, and to get that, you have to be nice to them. That’s what i always tell myself.
    You will beat that demon, because you are truly beautiful unique.

  6. The worst move of my inner demons is to whisper and get me imagining losses of things I love – dogs, spouse, friends, things like that. There’s a tactic that it has taken me years to learn – it’s from certain meditation practices, especially Vipassana.

    First off, with the worst kind of upsets, this won’t really help – you have to do what you have to do to calm down first.

    But for lesser things, when the thoughts come, you don’t fight them, judge, agree, disagree or respond at all if you can help it. You just watch. Ever try to concentrate really hard on something and find your mind wants to go everywhere else? Things that you watch tend to flit away like that. How long does an upsetting thought stay? Not very long, most of the time. And the bonus is, after a time, you begin to realize the thoughts aren’t you, they’re just things that come and go, with no necessary connection to “reality” at all.

    There was a time when I’d start each morning in a pretty good mood, but between the parking lot and my cubicle at work, I’d be really angry and in full fight or flight mode. Eventually – after months – I began to watch what was going on, and it was imagining negative outcomes of everything I had on my plate that day. Imagining getting into arguments with my boss, having all meetings go sour etc. In the end, I realized I’d been reacting to thoughts of things that hadn’t happened yet, did not even have a likelihood of happening, and most important, only had power over me when I didn’t catch them in the act, but let them go on whispering their poison.

    That whole process was a valuable lesson. Good luck with your demons.

  7. I’ve gotten so angry at my demons that I’ve taken to wielding a sword with which I slice them up before plunging the blade deep into its heart. The demon always comes back, but it is nice to keep it at bay when I can.

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