Tag Archives: funny

Early Morning Musings Part III – Keep Away From My Stall

While working all of these morning shifts this past week, I’ve had time – specifically between the hours of 4 AM and 7 AM – to write poetry, drink Red Bull and contemplate the meaning of life. You know, all of those bartendery things I should be doing.

Well this post definitely isn’t poetry; in fact, it might be TMI for some, but dammit, I know someone out there will relate.

When the gym is a ghost town, someone will still get on that treadmill right next to mine. At work, when my bar is empty except for one customer, some creepy old dude will walk in and plop down close enough to let the person he made uncomfortable count his ear hairs.

What makes some people want to pack themselves like sardines in public? Ok, maybe that creepy old dude thinks the young chick sitting alone is pretty (still awkward), maybe that person getting on the treadmill next to me is just dumb and not at all observant and thinks the others are not operating properly.

But can someone please tell me why on earth, when you’re in a public restroom, there’s always someone who gets in that stall – or even weirder, that urinal – right next to yours?!

I know you know what I’m talking about. I bet you’ve even wondered it too. I’m not going into detail about what you (or they) are doing in there. (Peeing, crying silently, reading a book…) But why does this happen? Public restrooms make me feel uncomfortable enough, but now I have to hear someone else’s pee stream with only a thin half-wall between us, when there’s a perfectly disgusting stall on the other side of the bathroom?!?! (This is only excused when the line for the ladies room is like a ride line at Disney World, which at 5 AM, it usually is not.)

Guys, is it uncomfortable when that other dude heads right for the urinal next to yours? I bet you feel like they’re staring right at your junk. At least we have a little more privacy than that.

Whatever the reason, stay away from my stall. I don’t want to stare at your sparkly loafers from under that wall or cringe when you accidentally let out a fart during the awkward silence between us.

20121223-071426.jpg

5 Comments

Filed under Job, Uncategorized

Romantic Monday (Week 2) – Oh, Sandy

And so begins another Romantic Monday! Click here to read Edward Hotspur’s hauntingly gorgeous tale.  (There’s also a link there to all of the other awesome posts!)

Oh, Sandy

Oh, Sandy

Don’t pretend that

I’m the only one

I saw you on the news

Blowin’ that entire neighborhood

Oh, Sandy

I only like you when the lights go out

And you drag chills across my skin

Where the sheets do not cover

 

Oh, Sandy

I only crave you when I’m drunk

Until then you’re no fun

Creepin’ on my back porch

 

Oh, Sandy

You’re electric

You make my windows shake

You make my back door slam

 

Oh, Sandy

You’re such a tease

They told me to be weary

Of you

 

Oh, Sandy

Are you coming?

I’m waiting on my turn

To dance with you

 

Be safe, everyone!

Maybe next week I’ll finally write about the (real) love of my life. I think he’s getting jealous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

19 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized, Writing

Every Day I’m Shufflin’

As Joe and I drove to work in Philadelphia the other day, windows down, the 85 degree weather beating down on my head, we noticed a man selling bottles of water by the side of the road.

The frosty looking bottle of water in his left hand was  the first thing my dry mouth noticed, but my eyes soon wandered to the strange space that had been formed between his shirt and his belt, replaced by some wrinkled, plaid-looking material.

Was he trying to get a breeze going back there? It was pretty warm outside. Was he simply showing off his “lady (manly?) lumps”? Eh, I wasn’t impressed. Did he think it would sell him more bottles of water? I didn’t see anyone waving him over with money in their hand.

And so I wonder: what is the deal with men who choose to wear their pants directly below their cheeks? Now I’ve seen men of all colors do this, by the way. I don’t think it is a matter of race, but one of idiotic “style”.

What goes through ones head as he wakes in the morning, lays out his outfit for the day, and proceeds to put his jeans on one leg at a time just like every other (actually, sometimes I like to sit on the edge of the bed and stick both feet in at the same time); how do the jeans only end up making it a little more than halfway to their destination? Did they get caught on something on the way up, and their wearer felt too defeated to carry on?

Is it laziness?

Then there’s the question of whether or not the jeans are too large. It seems mostly to be tall, thin men who rock this strange trend; never really large men. However, I’ve seen the “emo kid” wear his too-tight jeans below his booty as well, held in place by his shiny, rock star pistol belt buckle, or the Batman one he reserves for special occasions.

Do they buy their jeans three sizes larger on purpose? Or are the jeans a hand-me-down from a full figured relative? (There’s an exception.) And the belt…do you have to buy the belt a few sizes smaller, to hold the jeans in proper place?

And then there’s the task of walking! I imagine they’d have to shuffle around all day, since the legs are partially restricted by the jeans and the belt. How do you sit down and stand back up again? Do you need help? Do you have to grab on to the person next to you? What if no one’s around?

Are the boxers considered in this equation, too? Should they be stylish? Do you check for holes before getting dressed? Is letting your ass hang out in winter acceptable, as well? Do you wear Christmas underwear then? Is there a support group for this?

It’s all too much for me to handle.

Thoughts?

I’ve only just scratched the surface of the butt cleavage phenomenon.

17 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Spamalicious!

After reading hilarious posts about comment spam from my blogging friends Edward Hotspur (my left index finger keeps wanting to spell your last name “Hotsput”), and Curly Carly, I’ve decided to share the very few – but pretty funny – spam I received on this lovely Thursday morning (afternoon?).

1.) Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. WordPress Seo Plugin

 

Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. But, I was never very good at math; how is my keyword density doing? It might be around 6%. Is that too much? Too many rules.

But wait…THERE’S EVEN MORE!

I just confused you with all of this useless information…BUT HERE’S A PLUGIN THAT WILL DO ALL OF THIS FOR YOU!

Huh?

 

2.) Another great site about this niche you can find over here sexdating!!! Let me know what you think about this site and i’ll subscribe to your blog!

Maybe I should check out this whole sexdating thing…I could use more subscribers…

 

3.) This website is realy nice! I just wanna say thank you for sharing this kind of sex-dating information with us.

You’re welcome! I know what I’m talkin’ about.

 

4.) Do you like the game tetris? Play Tetris online now!

Why…yes! Yes I do! Thanks!

 

Happy Thursday, everyone.

9 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized, Writing

“Is your gingerale made with real ginger?”

I like to consider myself a generally easygoing, friendly individual, respectful of those around me as well as completely aware that the world does not, unfortunately, revolve around me. My actions affect others, and my mama raised me to have manners or else I’d get my ass kicked.

After a few years working in the restaurant business, it’s become obvious to me that there are several individuals who do not share my thoughts on this matter, or else did not have a mother and father who taught them how NOT to be a douche bag.

So for this post, I thought I’d join the thousands of servers and bartenders who have already cried out in anger about the guy who didn’t tip, or the girl who sent her drink back 3 times, or the couple with the baby that made a mess of half the restaurant.

So, here it is, from my tiny pocket of the world –

(My) 10 Reasons the Bartender (or Server) Hates You

(In friendly pink text!)

1. “Hi! How are you? My name’s Ni-”

“YEAH, UH…LET ME GET A BOTTLE OF BUD. YOU GOT BURGERS? GIMME ONE OF THOSE TOO.”

In this scenario, I usually carry on with my friendly introduction anyway. More often than not, the customer then looks at me in total confusion.

2. (This one applies specifically to those who work in an airport.)

“I need my check, ASAP – I have a flight to catch!!”

My response: “NO WAY!!!”

3. ::Customer walks into extremely crowded restaurant and waves me over; meanwhile, I have two menus stuffed under each arm, stacks of dirty glasses in each hand and a fry in my hair::

Me: “Can I help you?”

“Yeah, are there any free tables?”

(Keep in mind, in this scenario, a large “Please Seat Yourself” sign is kept in clear view at the front of the restaurant.)

4. :Customer sits directly in front of beer taps::

Me: “Hi! Can I start you out with something to drink?”

Customer: “Yeah. What do you have on tap?”

::I turn around and do my best Vanna White impression::

5. Customer: “Is this tip okay?”

::Shows me the slip. Bill: $50. Tip: $2.::

Me: “That’s…fine!”

Are you expecting me to say, “No, leave more, you cheapskate”?

6. ::Hand menu to customer::

Customer: “Do you have appetizers?”

Me: “Yes!” ::I point to ‘Starters’ section::

Customer: “Do you have soup?”

Me: “Yes” ::I point to ‘Soup/Salad’ section::

Customer: “Do you have -”

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST READ THE MENU.

7. Customer: “So, uh…what’s good here?”

My mind’s response: “Nothing. It’s all crap. You don’t wanna eat here. You may as well just leave Right. Now.”

My actual response: “The chicken sandwiches are delicious!” (Eh, something like that.)

8. Customer: “There’s no alcohol in this drink.” (They just watched me make it, and pour about 2 ounces of vodka into the glass.)

I have no response for this.

9. ::I make my way to a table to deliver an order::

Me: “French fries?”

Customer(s): ::silence::

Me: “French fries?”

Customer(s): ::silence:: ::someone starts texting::

::I place french fries on table and walk away::

10. ::The ‘Section Closed’ sign is in place and I am busy mopping said section.::

Customer: “Is this section open?”

Again, no response to this.

 

Le sigh.

This is only a tiny piece of the strange things we see and hear on a weekly basis. But – we put on a big, fake smile and tolerate, because at the end of the night, it’s (usually) worth it.

 

 

 

 

 

7 Comments

Filed under Job, Uncategorized