guilt |

I keep finding it – or, rediscovering it – for periods of time, only to have it ripped from my grasp once again. I’m finding it in the tiniest of things this week: a hot shower, my favorite lotion that smells of cherry blossoms, a favorite television show, a kiss on the forehead. When it comes to me, I struggle to keep my arms wrapped tightly around it, but it always squirms and gets away again.

I’m focusing now on happy thoughts; of a future filled to the brim with love.

How does one wake up one morning and look in the mirror, only to barely recognize the person staring back at them? I’ve been avoiding mirrors lately. I never was one for confrontation.

The person I was – I am – is trying to push through this. She wants to continue on with the wonderful life she has in front of her. She wants to exercise, and write, and laugh and smile. This alternate being that has replaced her barely ever has a smile on its face. It is the polar opposite of the sunny person it currently overshadows.

I’ve started to give myself pep talks. Has anyone else ever done this? When I can bare to stare into the mirror for longer than 10 seconds, or when I am alone in the car or elsewhere, I list, out-loud, all of the positive things in my life, as well as positive things about myself.

A few examples:

1. You are blessed with a man that loves you. Cherishes you. Would throw a lasso around the moon for you. Is handsome and funny and deeply, deeply caring. Don’t ever forget it.

2. You have lost weight, you have come a long way, you should be proud of your accomplishments. And – even when you’d rather stay in bed, get your butt to the gym and sweat it out. Don’t forget how stress-relieving a good workout can be. It may be the solution you’re searching for.

3. Eat. You. Must. Eat. Praise yourself for each meal you give to your body. It will reward you with comfort and less stress.

4. You are not alone. You are not crazy! Others – as you have seen and been told – have gone through this before. Do not be afraid, or be laden with guilt. Guilt will only make you feel much worse. You’ve done nothing to feel guilty about.

5. You are caring. You are needed. You are wanted and loved. You are capable of making others happy, and making yourself happy, and being a full blown adult. Do not let your past creep up on you. It is simply that: the past. You are an adult making adult decisions. Things are different. So very, very different. (In a good way.)

Sadness, depression, anxiety…they make some want to go into a childlike mode, which is what it has been doing to me. You crave a parental force-field to lift you up out of whatever nonsense is going on in your head. And hearing your own mother tell you “it’s normal” can make a big difference.

I’m still trying, but I’m getting better. Surrounding myself with family is the best gig for me right now. It’s still a struggle to leave the house, but soon I’ll be able to do it without wanting to run right back inside. It’s like rediscovering how to make your way in the world. Scary stuff.

Thank you to everyone for the support. It’s put a real smile on my face.