Beautiful Imperfections

Blah. That’s all I got.

Okay – that’s not all I got, but my body feels like it’s going to crumble into a million tiny pieces. We are still short-staffed at work ::cue the violins:: and every one of us is working 5-6 days a week. It wouldn’t be so bad if the majority of customers weren’t jackasses. Thanks for tipping me 60 cent on $50. Choke on your cheesesteak. Have a nice day.

I’m still wiping away the snot and tears – so attractive – from this video I just watched over at my pretend mama’s blog. It’s truly a shame, the way some of us see ourselves. But I have to say I fall deep into this category. Like GingerSnaap said, had I been the one on the other side of that curtain I would have done the same. thing.

“I have a weak chin,” I’d blurt out. “My nose is sorta pointy. Oh, and I definitely have the forehead of a Neanderthal. My eyebrows are waaaaaaay too low. It’s especially noticeable when I smile.”

“That ‘beauty’ mark on the right side of my jawline is annoying too.”

I went to the gym before work this morning. (Marathon day is next Sunday and I’m trying to get in those few last runs AND a bit of weight training; whatever it takes to make me feel a bit stronger.) As I approached the “12 minute Abs” section, I walked by a few men weight training nearby. As I passed, for whatever reason I sucked in my gut. I was embarrassed. I felt fat. I felt like I didn’t belong. Unfortunately, this has become sort of a subconscious thing for me – before today – and I’m just now realizing how sad it is. These people probably didn’t even notice me, let alone look at me like “what’s with the fat girl in the ‘ab’ area? She doesn’t have any abs to work on”. After years and years of being embarrassed of/worrying about my appearance, this has become my norm.

But this has to stop.

I’ve received compliments on the weight I’ve lost. I’ve been called “tiny” – “skinny” even. Today, a male customer wrote this on their check:

“You’re great, and you’re REALLY pretty!”

So for a few hours, my ego went way, way up. Then it went down again. The norm.

No one is perfect, are they? But we all matter. We are loved. There is someone who thinks we are beautiful from head to toe to snorting laugh to ugly cry. Joe still kisses me good morning when there’s eyeliner streaked across my face and bags the size of Texas beneath my eyes. He laughs and calls me Pig Pen when I haven’t washed my hair for 3 days, but then he pulls me close to him. So why not crumble up those insecurities and toss them in the recycling bin?

We say we’ll try, we say we’ll stop, but it really is a struggle. All I can say is good luck. Let’s try our best; we are beautiful, no matter what they say…words won’t bring us down….

Oh wait, sorry. Had a bit of a Christina moment there.

I love you all. And you are all beautiful, beautiful people.

xoxo,

Nicole

P.S.

Thank you for the inspiration for this post, mama.

Visit GingerSnaap and her beautiful words (and self) here: http://ohmygawdjustdowhatisay.wordpress.com/

 

A beautiful day for a mountain run!

Stop…Drop….PAUSE!

Since joining my new gym a few weeks ago, I’ve been getting my behind kicked five days a week in boxing, kickboxing and….ZUMBA!

I never realized how much rhythm I truly lack until I started Zumba-ing; the much older woman next to me definitely has the moves like Jagger…but alas, I do not.

However, it’s still a blast to waves my hands awkwardly around in the air and wiggle my hips to and fro. Because after an hour of jumping up and down and side to side and front to back and so forth, I feel like running a marathon! (or taking a nap.) My point is, Zumba is an amazing workout, and it’s actually FUN, even if I do look pretty silly doing it. (I won’t look so silly showing off the results…I hope.)

As for boxing, the class is taught by an instructor named Wally; his name couldn’t be more perfect. I can imagine him in my corner of the ring, pouring water down my throat and telling me to suck it up, the swelling will go down eventually! You really only need one eye! He shows no mercy on the females of the class, and that’s exactly what I need. I’m actually learning how to defend myself through his class.

Come on, throw a punch! Bet I can duck and weave and give you a nice right uppercut before you even know what’s hit ya’. (Just kidding…don’t really try to punch me.)

Kickboxing is familiar, the same type of workout I received at another place I frequented last summer, further from home. I slinked into class this past Monday morning to find I was the only one (besides the instructor, of course) to show up. Great! A one-on-one session.

My start to the morning? “Alright, we’re going to start with a workout that will let us burn 200 calories in 10 minutes!”

I’m pretty sure I was able to burn all 200.

It’s true what they say, you know, that exercise gets your blood pumping and gets all those “happy” chemicals flowing. My mood has continued to increase with every building block of stamina I’m taking back – you know, the ones that were stolen from me some time between November 25th and now.

If you’re still in the dark, put all of that energy into something that makes you feel alive. I’m happy to say I’ve caught the “exercise bug” again.

Happy Thursday! Zumba at 6.

One of my favorite Zumba songs. Our dance pretty much goes like this, too…except I don’t get to wear stilettos or dance in front of a huge fan on a lighted stage..or anything cool like that…

 

 

Love, Literature, & Froyo

I’ll admit, I’m ashamed about my lack of posting here lately. Screwing my head back on straight has occupied my time for quite a while. But, here I am. 🙂

So before I get back into specific posting, here’s a recap of the past few weeks, in no particular order, for those who care to know – and even those who don’t – of my doings away from the keyboard!

1. Skyrim has continued to take over my life (but I’ve gone from 5 hours of playing each day to about 2).

2. I also had a fling with “Draw Something”, but lost interested fairly quickly.

3. I’ve slowly caught the exercise “bug” again, and can barely move my limbs without wincing at the moment. A new gym: Boxing classes, Zumba classes (I can’t dance but I sure can try), Cardio Kickboxing, Zumba Toning…it all hurts so good.

4. My hair is now a lovely shade of Kool-Aid-Red! (This picture doesn’t even do the brightness justice.)

I bought those earrings this month, too!

5. I have recently taken on the challenge of reading House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. My roommate introduced me to this book recently. If you have never heard of it, please check it out. I can only hope my mind and soul are strong enough to make it through the entire book.

6. I finished The Virgin Suicides, and was sort of disappointed overall. (Ah, now I know what my next post will be about.)

7. My novel-in-progress is also returning to the top of my priority list. I kick myself every day for letting my little period of darkness take a toll on my writing…but we can’t take these things back, can we?

8. One of my best friends gave birth to the most precious little boy, Joseph. I’ve never fallen in love with something so quickly (except maybe Joe…and frozen yogurt). He is surrounded by friends and family who all want a turn at cuddling him; so blessed.

9. I spent enough at Shop Rite to get my free Easter ham! Alright, so you’re not excited…but I am.

10. And here I am. Just me, the radio, and a Thursday afternoon.

Happy Spring!

Oh, that guy humping the floor over there? He’s working on his quads!

 

Oh! Of course. How could I have been so stupid?

As I made my way into my local Planet Fitness this afternoon, I popped in my ear-buds, got a drink of water and headed for the treadmill. During a normal routine at the gym, maybe I’ll stretch before running. Maybe I’ll start off with a light jog. Afterward, maybe I’ll get another drink of water before hitting the weights. All normal gym stuff, right?

As I jammed out to The Cranberries during my jog, a man on the treadmill in front of me had just finished his own run. But instead of cleaning off the machine and simply heading to his next activity, he put each hand on either side of his head, pointing his elbows out to either side, and quickly bent to the left and to the right, several times. He looked like a child having a temper tantrum.

And what exactly was this “exercise” doing? Beats me.

I’ve seen some people do some very strange things at the gym, and have also noticed that no one else ever seems to acknowledge it. Like it’s perfectly normal for the woman lying on her back to be flailing her arms wildly, as if she was drowning on the crunching bench. Am I the only one who doesn’t understand the benefits of this?!?!

Am I being left out of some top secret fitness routine?

I don’t know about anyone else, but I get a certain level of anxiety that builds in me, each time I work out in public. I have a strange fear of anyone watching me break a sweat and possibly look awkward doing it. I spend too much time sucking everything in to let anyone see it all hanging out while I’m doing sit-ups.

But that old guy next to me thrusting his groin into the air? No qualms.

And I won’t even touch on the horrifying amount of tight clothes and spandex I see every day. (You know what I’m talking about. Ugh…)

So please, lay off the flailing and the humping and the grunting and just exercise like a normal person.

And don’t do whatever is happening here, either.

 

 

Going nowhere fast; What makes me happy.

This pretty much sums it up.

I’d hate for this post to be depressing or too focused on “self-hating” as I recently read about in another blogger’s post, but I have spent the past week or so moping around, lying in bed for an extra hour, going back for seconds, crying at the drop of a dime, things that aren’t normal (or too becoming) of me.

It seems I’ve hit some sort of obstacle and I can’t figure out how to get around it, without having to jump through the ring of fire or swim through the lake of piranhas. I’m stuck. Stuck, stuck, stuck.

I’ve tried to focus all of that negative energy into something worthwhile, like my writing, but every time I flop into a chair and stare into my 45 pages of writing, I’m clueless. This is no good.

So – more for myself, I suppose, but hopefully to encourage a few others that are feeling rather “blah” lately, too – here are a few things that always manage to make me feel better. I’ll be referring to this list later, I’m sure.

1.)

The best $8 bottle of red around.

The delicousness speaks for itself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These two things never disappoint. Nothing cures a bout of depression like a large glass of dry red wine and some fresh mozzarella topped with balsamic and a Jersey tomato. (At least Jersey is good for something, right?)

I enjoyed a pick-me-up late Wednesday night with drink, mozzarella, a best friend, and…. another…. friend:

E.T. wanted a piece of the action!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.) Reading. When I read, I can forget about my crappy day for a moment and focus on the crappy day of someone else. Or else I can delve directly into an exciting moment, a love story, a murder, a scene of violence or sex or adventure. It takes my mind off of what is going on around me or in my crazy head.

Current read:

Exciting. Depressing. Compelling. You know the story.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.) Working out! This used to be something that made me even more depressed; who wants to sweat and hurt for an hour when there’s a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough in the freezer? (Still sounds tempting.) BUT – nowadays (most of the time) I’d rather grind out my frustrations on a bag or a treadmill. FYI: A pulled muscle is sexier than an ice-cream gut.

4.) Anything on ID. This is my favorite channel; plenty of blood, guts and…more blood and guts. Murder, murder, murder. Hey, I am a writer of horror. I’m sure if Poe was here, he’d be making the popcorn before another episode of 48 Hours…

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.)

So inviting.

So this queen may look a little more inviting than ours, but ours is still a big comfy mess. When I’m being a negative nancy, just shove one of these under me and I’m good to go. Sometimes hiding under the covers for an extended period of time truly does the trick.

 

 

6.) Pretty much any movie from the 1980’s can cheer me up. Doesn’t the same go for everyone else?

Who doesn't enjoy the story of an awkward teenage girl, forgotten by everyone but the hottest guy in school on her birthday?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7.)

Love.

This man right here. But especially the image of this man right here, in all his ’90s, grungy, long-haired hotness. So his hair is short and spiky now, but I couldn’t resist posting a picture of his former look. Either way, he’s hot. And he takes good care of me. And looking at this picture makes me laugh. And smile. (And I’ll probably get in trouble once he notices I posted it. Oops.)

Ending on #7 – it’s supposedly good luck, so let’s just stick with that. These things help pull me out of my ruts (although once in a while, only time can pull me out completely).

What makes you happy when you’re feeling convinced that the world is about to end?