While working all of these morning shifts this past week, I’ve had time – specifically between the hours of 4 AM and 7 AM – to write poetry, drink Red Bull and contemplate the meaning of life. You know, all of those bartendery things I should be doing.
Well this post definitely isn’t poetry; in fact, it might be TMI for some, but dammit, I know someone out there will relate.
When the gym is a ghost town, someone will still get on that treadmill right next to mine. At work, when my bar is empty except for one customer, some creepy old dude will walk in and plop down close enough to let the person he made uncomfortable count his ear hairs.
What makes some people want to pack themselves like sardines in public? Ok, maybe that creepy old dude thinks the young chick sitting alone is pretty (still awkward), maybe that person getting on the treadmill next to me is just dumb and not at all observant and thinks the others are not operating properly.
But can someone please tell me why on earth, when you’re in a public restroom, there’s always someone who gets in that stall – or even weirder, that urinal – right next to yours?!
I know you know what I’m talking about. I bet you’ve even wondered it too. I’m not going into detail about what you (or they) are doing in there. (Peeing, crying silently, reading a book…) But why does this happen? Public restrooms make me feel uncomfortable enough, but now I have to hear someone else’s pee stream with only a thin half-wall between us, when there’s a perfectly disgusting stall on the other side of the bathroom?!?! (This is only excused when the line for the ladies room is like a ride line at Disney World, which at 5 AM, it usually is not.)
Guys, is it uncomfortable when that other dude heads right for the urinal next to yours? I bet you feel like they’re staring right at your junk. At least we have a little more privacy than that.
Whatever the reason, stay away from my stall. I don’t want to stare at your sparkly loafers from under that wall or cringe when you accidentally let out a fart during the awkward silence between us.